Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..



  • Heya MSB,

    Some of you probably have no idea who I am, while others might still remember my shenanigans vividly. Whatever the case, I spent so many nights agonizing over this post, and how such a small group, could have caused me so much introspection.

    Most of my life, nobody called me out on my bullshit, nobody made me accountable for how damaging my actions could be.

    Whether a casually sarcastic remark, or a minor insult, all the way to a full blow-up where some hapless individual, regardless of what they may have done, is now getting yelled at and treated like shit.

    So many of the people around me in my life, they told me it was ok. They told me I was not at fault. I believed it, because I wanted to. I spent time in constant denial as I spent 2 years or so being dragged through the mud by MSB (pun intended, kinda?).

    At least, that's how I saw it. While not everything I've been accused of, is true, most of what I've done is unacceptable. I don't even know where to begin, in trying to explain, how unacceptable I've realized over the past year it was. The only reason my name could be dragged through the mud, was because of my own actions and behavior.

    I stepped back from the MUSH community as a result, and closed 2 of my 3 active games, only leaving Fallout: El Dorado up for the sake of the people who do still logon, or anyone who wanted to reminisce. I've not played, not been part of this community, as I worked on myself, both within my own means, and also seeking out the psychological help I so dearly needed to help get me back on track.

    This is getting kind of long-winded, when I only wanted to say a few things.

    First of all...

    I am so, god damn sorry. There are no excuses for my actions, nothing anyone had done to me, nothing anyone said to me, or anything that anyone did that justifies how I acted. I was a total bitch, the epitome of a PHB from the old days, and I was totally unaware of it. I didn't act like an Admin trying to run a game for others enjoyment, even if that was my desire, I acted like a power hungry bitch who lorded over players like a monarch.

    How fucking awful is that? It's terrible. I understand now why I was the subject of numerous threads in the hogpit. I was acting like some of the worst people in this hobby, and of course, that would engender comparisons between myself and other people who are acting similarly psychotic.

    I also, for some reason, really, have desired the approval of this community. I understand that I could have tried to hide, changed my IP, never come on here, never revealed myself etc. but I don't think that's right in a small hobby of people. I guarantee with my new perspective, and personal growth, I wouldn't be singled out based on behavior, but none-the-less, I want to put myself out there.

    I want the people I wronged to know, that I am so god damned sorry. Some of you were genuinely friends to me, the problem was? I was NOT a friend to you in my behavior.

    I screwed up. It's that simple. My actions and behavior were on nobody but me, and I am sorry, and as time goes on, and has gone on, I hope I will continue to prove; that I am sorry, truly sorry.. not like the half-assed apology I gave while in denial a year ago.

    I am sorry. No strings attached. I regret the way I squandered my friends, players, and what I had. It was psychotic, and I understand that people may dislike, or hate me for that to this day.

    I won't defend my actions again, I screwed up as an admin, friend, and member of this community.

    I am willing to prove, however I can though, that I am not the other people I am accused of being. Whether that means providing my birth certificate, along with photo IDs in a video chat? or something to prove things to an Admin on this forum, I am happy to.

    I just want to be part of this community, to participate, and to offer whatever I can as a fellow creative role-player.

    Warmest Regards,

    Kat (Vault Girl/Red Queen/Lilith)

    P.S. I'm thankful, either way to MSB, for helping me see how my behavior was affecting my interactions with others, not just in this community, but in other avenues, including real life.



  • @Kitty-Kat

    So what you're saying is that you've had your so-called 'come to Jesus moment' and seen the err of your ways and all that? I am curious as to what made you see it now and not back when people here were talking about your behavior. I am curious as to why you were so behavior blind then only to suddenly become aware of how you were acting now. What happened to make you realize that you behaved beyond badly and owed a lot of people an apology?

    While an apology is nice, you need to do more than admit you behaved in a shitty manner and say you're sorry. You need to back this all up with actions. Prove to the people you are apologizing to that you've changed. Don't fall back on past behaviors and start acting like that PHB (to use your acronym) that drove people away. Show them that you're striving to be a better version of yourself and that you've grown past all that bat shit, insane behavior you were guilty of. Then move on. Don't belabor it. Let them decide if they want to forgive you and try to rebuild the friendship, or let them walk away if they feel keeping you at arm's length is for the best. And remember... the onus is on you to do the heavy lifting, so to speak. It is up to you to fix things.



  • @TiredEwok said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    @Kitty-Kat

    So what you're saying is that you've had your so-called 'come to Jesus moment' and seen the err of your ways and all that? I am curious as to what made you see it now and not back when people here were talking about your behavior. I am curious as to why you were so behavior blind then only to suddenly become aware of how you were acting now. What happened to make you realize that you behaved beyond badly and owed a lot of people an apology?

    While an apology is nice, you need to do more than admit you behaved in a shitty manner and say you're sorry. You need to back this all up with actions. Prove to the people you are apologizing to that you've changed. Don't fall back on past behaviors and start acting like that PHB (to use your acronym) that drove people away. Show them that you're striving to be a better version of yourself and that you've grown past all that bat shit, insane behavior you were guilty of. Then move on. Don't belabor it. Let them decide if they want to forgive you and try to rebuild the friendship, or let them walk away if they feel keeping you at arm's length is for the best. And remember... the onus is on you to do the heavy lifting, so to speak. It is up to you to fix things.

    Mostly? It was just realizing that I was the problem, not others. I suppose until I was ready to admit that, no amount of anything was going to make me see it any differently. I don't expect anyone to see me any differently either, just, trying to show, that I do want to be part of the community, and that I am aware how harmful, and terrible my actions were.



  • You don’t need to explain your apology to anyone. The apology is just fine.



  • @Ganymede said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    You don’t need to explain your apology to anyone. The apology is just fine.

    Thanks Ganymede. I just, really want to be part of the MUSH community again. :)


  • Pitcrew

    Thank you for posting this.

    That said, I've seen you do this before. There are a few people you gave a similar apology to and then turned on a few years ago, and I watched a couple of people get hurt over and over. When I can see it from the distance that I've had -- I've never actually been on one of your games -- it's pretty bad.

    I am skeptical, but I'm also willing to wait and see, to give you the opportunity to walk the walk you're talking.



  • @Ganymede

    Where I'd normally agree with you, I think an explanation is more than warranted in this instance. I don't want to get into a long, drawn out debate on the subject, but I will say that considering people were treated as badly as they were by her, they have a right to know why it has taken so long to get an apology.



  • @Sunny said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    Thank you for posting this.

    That said, I've seen you do this before. There are a few people you gave a similar apology to and then turned on a few years ago, and I watched a couple of people get hurt over and over. When I can see it from the distance that I've had -- I've never actually been on one of your games -- it's pretty bad.

    I am skeptical, but I'm also willing to wait and see, to give you the opportunity to walk the walk you're talking.

    Thanks, to be honest, I don't know if I was ever in the right head-space, or realization of my actions before to even issue an apology, if those counted as such, considering they were riddled with excuses, and me trying to defend myself. Personally, I know they sucked as any form of apology, but I was kind of blinded by my own hubris (I guess?) before.

    @TiredEwok said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    @Ganymede

    Where I'd normally agree with you, I think an explanation is more than warranted in this instance. I don't want to get into a long, drawn out debate on the subject, but I will say that considering people were treated as badly as they were by her, they have a right to know why it has taken so long to get an apology.

    Totally fair. My intention was never to hurt anyone, in my mind, it was all these people against me because they sucked, not because I was a bad person.. which I was.



  • I never played on one of your games, or encountered you anywhere but here, for what it's worth, so I can't say "I know how it was".

    I can say that if you're sincere, and you're making this change, you really will be much happier for it in the long run, even if it's hard now. Awkward and tense as things may be for a while, that's something worth holding on to.

    No snark, good luck to you on this path. Will keep my fingers crossed for you, 'cause this stuff is hard.



  • @surreality said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    I never played on one of your games, or encountered you anywhere but here, for what it's worth, so I can't say "I know how it was".

    I can say that if you're sincere, and you're making this change, you really will be much happier for it in the long run, even if it's hard now. Awkward and tense as things may be for a while, that's something worth holding on to.

    No snark, good luck to you on this path. Will keep my fingers crossed for you, 'cause this stuff is hard.

    Thank you, that means a lot to me. It was a very bitter pill to swallow when I realized, I was the villain of the story, not the victim or the hero as I had so portrayed myself, and believed myself to be.

    After dealing with abuse your whole life, it's hard to imagine you've become the 'abuser' in any way, even in something as simple as a text-based environment, but I definitely was.



  • I'd just like to take a moment to recommend reading the book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck' if you are sincere. The title of the book may seem, in a sense, counter-intuitive but it's really anything but. It's given me a lot of moments to really think about my stances on myself, my approach to people and life, and how I'm viewing things.

    And (from the basis of the book) if you are sincere: you need to really, really take a new approach to your values.



  • @Auspice said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    I'd just like to take a moment to recommend reading the book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck' if you are sincere. The title of the book may seem, in a sense, counter-intuitive but it's really anything but. It's given me a lot of moments to really think about my stances on myself, my approach to people and life, and how I'm viewing things.

    And (from the basis of the book) if you are sincere: you need to really, really take a new approach to your values.

    Thanks Auspice, I'll definitely check it out. I've definitely had to leave a lot of what I used to consider 'values' at the door, especially when I realized how toxic some of them could be, especially when used as justifications for shitty behavior.

    I.E. Being less than civil with someone, under the justification, they disrespected me.. so it's cool to treat them however I want. - What a load of trash, I can't believe I used to actually think that was true, let alone, expected anyone else to give the thumbs up on it.



  • @Kitty-Kat said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    @Auspice said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    I'd just like to take a moment to recommend reading the book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck' if you are sincere. The title of the book may seem, in a sense, counter-intuitive but it's really anything but. It's given me a lot of moments to really think about my stances on myself, my approach to people and life, and how I'm viewing things.

    And (from the basis of the book) if you are sincere: you need to really, really take a new approach to your values.

    Thanks Auspice, I'll definitely check it out. I've definitely had to leave a lot of what I used to consider 'values' at the door, especially when I realized how toxic some of them could be, especially when used as justifications for shitty behavior.

    I.E. Being less than civil with someone, under the justification, they disrespected me.. so it's cool to treat them however I want. - What a load of trash, I can't believe I used to actually think that was true, let alone, expected anyone else to give the thumbs up on it.

    It is a good book. I've been really taking my time going through it and approaching it the same way I did my textbooks in college. Mine is full of highlighted passages, marginalia, etc. I'll probably re-read it with especial focus on those sections (so that I'm focusing on what I knew was vital to me, not any tidbits where I went 'ha! I know someone like that!' and maybe got distracted).



  • @Auspice said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    @Kitty-Kat said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    @Auspice said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    I'd just like to take a moment to recommend reading the book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck' if you are sincere. The title of the book may seem, in a sense, counter-intuitive but it's really anything but. It's given me a lot of moments to really think about my stances on myself, my approach to people and life, and how I'm viewing things.

    And (from the basis of the book) if you are sincere: you need to really, really take a new approach to your values.

    Thanks Auspice, I'll definitely check it out. I've definitely had to leave a lot of what I used to consider 'values' at the door, especially when I realized how toxic some of them could be, especially when used as justifications for shitty behavior.

    I.E. Being less than civil with someone, under the justification, they disrespected me.. so it's cool to treat them however I want. - What a load of trash, I can't believe I used to actually think that was true, let alone, expected anyone else to give the thumbs up on it.

    It is a good book. I've been really taking my time going through it and approaching it the same way I did my textbooks in college. Mine is full of highlighted passages, marginalia, etc. I'll probably re-read it with especial focus on those sections (so that I'm focusing on what I knew was vital to me, not any tidbits where I went 'ha! I know someone like that!' and maybe got distracted).

    Sounds like it's been indispensable, and that doubles down my desire to find a copy, even if I have to find a pdf or check a copy out of a local library (which is getting harder thanks to budget cuts in Ontario!). If you have any other recommendations, please feel free to send them my way. I've got lots of reading time, and a really strong desire to never be the person I fell into being somehow, ever again.



  • @TiredEwok said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    Where I'd normally agree with you, I think an explanation is more than warranted in this instance. I don't want to get into a long, drawn out debate on the subject, but I will say that considering people were treated as badly as they were by her, they have a right to know why it has taken so long to get an apology.

    I think the "why" is personal and largely irrelevant.

    As Sunny mentioned, skepticism is warranted. I'm skeptical, personally. But that doesn't mean it needs to be dragged out publicly.

    The apology was made. Demanding an explanation is a personal thing. Some may want one, others may not. This is not the greatest place for giving such explanations publicly, and I think it's enough to want to change.

    Where that goes from here is up to Kitty Kat. Apologies don't mean anything unless they are accompanied by change, but I think she knows that and I won't presume otherwise.



  • @Ganymede said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    I think the "why" is personal and largely irrelevant.
    [...]
    The apology was made. Demanding an explanation is a personal thing. Some may want one, others may not. This is not the greatest place for giving such explanations publicly, and I think it's enough to want to change.

    this

    Sure, it's nice to know someone's thought process. But it really, honestly, should never be expected.

    I think when someone realizes they've done wrong, you have ever right to expect an apology, and actual change. A real apology, mind you, not the prevaricating wishy-washy set of excuses or "I'm sorry people were offended" that puts the spotlight on everyone else rather than your own actions, like seems to be popular with a depressing number of celebrities out there in recent years.

    stares for a moment at the various 'apologies' issued in that whole ProJared thing

    But I don't think it's really fair to ever expect—much less demand—a detailed explanation of how exactly they came to realize they were wrong. If they want to share it, sure. But maybe it was something private, something they aren't comfortable sharing. Maybe it was just a moment of epiphany and they can't articulate how they reached that "Wait... oh, heck, I am the asshole in this situation." moment.

    What matters is that the apology was genuine, and that they carry through on the promise to do better. Not whether they can present a paper trail of receipts on their reasoning to be audited.



  • @Kitty-Kat What you did was brave and cathartic, and in that I salute you. It's not easy to do this sort of thing.

    Having said that, there are people in the hobby who have done far, far worse than you have who wouldn't be so brave to do what you've just done. For that reason, I'm going to advise you to not throw yourself at the feet of the gray concept that the mush community is.

    @Kitty-Kat said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    I spent time in constant denial as I spent 2 years or so being dragged through the mud by MSB (pun intended, kinda?).
    At least, that's how I saw it. While not everything I've been accused of is true...

    Identifying the darker aspects of yourself and wanting to be better in real life and online is a noble pursuit. Know yourself always and understand why you went down that road to begin with. You owe these people nothing. This cathartic turn you've taken you owe to yourself. Be who you want to be for the best reasons and you'll rarely feel shame.

    However, there is a bit of a sickness in some corners of the community. In a very "V taking the TV station hostage to have a little chat way", it probably deserves a better discussion, but you are in no way the epicentre problem. You, like many people, just got caught up in the same rush of negativity that others have been caught up in for years. It's seductive. It can be rewarding, vindicating, and often cruel.

    Anyway, you don't need nor require my approval. As a fellow person, I just wanted to say I feel what you wrote and tell you to not beat yourself up about it. Understanding the symptom and getting off the shitty behavior train is excellent, but don't throw yourself at the mercy of the court as the villain. In some cases, your behavior was just parallel to some other behaviors in the court itself.

    Promote positivity and others not going down the same path that made you feel guilty, and above all, I hope you feel better as a person. You're gonna be just fine.

    PS. You owe no one anything. Dont let people make you their penance case.

    Edit: Typos. Because 1:30am and a few beers.



  • Also @Kitty-Kat

    Have a high quality Aww gif. I'm sure typing that out felt less than fun

    PS: If I ever decide to start mushing again you're always welcome at my table. Everyone deserves redemption.



  • @Ghost said in Not even sure what to title this, but here goes..:

    Also @Kitty-Kat

    Have a high quality Aww gif. I'm sure typing that out felt less than fun

    PS: If I ever decide to start mushing again you're always welcome at my table. Everyone deserves redemption.

    Thanks Ghost. :) If you ever do start mushing again, let me know, I'd love to play with you. Most of my RP Group has scattered to the four corners of the seven kingdoms. XD Some of them, probably because I was a Cersei-level bitch, others have just moved on/stopped playing MU* :(



  • @Ganymede

    Fair enough, and in hindsight it wasn't my question to ask but, like I said, I was curious.


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