When To Stop Listening To Those Voices


  • Pitcrew

    I am super fucking frustrated with myself; I want to enjoy the roleplaying I'm involved in, and yet can't shake the pervasive notion by and large that I am a tolerated presence rather than being someone others consider an enthusiastic addition people are eager to be involved in. It's happening more and more to me, it feels like.

    If this was purely emotional I think I could logic myself into ignoring it, but my brain wants to keep pointing at this or that circumstance which are in and of themselves, likely perfectly reasonable occurrences. But what's whispering in the hindbrain is that this is evidence of others disliking you, of others putting up with you, they don't really want you here.

    I keep trying to remind myself that what I feel is real, but it also isn't true. I just really need to stick it until the proof of it not being true outweighs the anxiety.

    Advice, gently offered, is welcome. PM preferred.

    Edited to add: I am NOT blaming anyone for this, or insinuating that this is anyone's problem but mine regarding my own perception. For clarity.



  • @Cupcake Oh yeah, that's me on every game. If you do find a solution, I hope you'll let me know. Lol.


  • Pitcrew

    @Cupcake said in When To Stop Listening To Those Voices:

    what's whispering in the hindbrain is that this is evidence of others disliking you, of others putting up with you, they don't really want you here.

    Repeat after me



  • I don't have any good advice for this, so I'm mostly replying out of solidarity. I know a lot of us struggle with these anxieties, but I also know that knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It's largely why I've stopped RPing at all, honestly. Like I don't have the emotional fortitude to push my RP on people who don't care that I'm around in the first place, I guess? That's how it feels in my head. I keep trying, though, when a concept excites me. And I keep failing.

    Brains are dicks. :(



  • I don't think there's anything that will ever likely make them stop. I have periods of this also. Or times when I think everyone hates me and wishes I'd fuck off. (Sometimes, these things might even be true, for all I know.)

    I find that focusing on small goals is a huge help when this happens. "I want to have one chill social scene this week," "I want to attend one group scene this week," or "I want to put in that +jerb for the project my character wants to do and try to get that ball rolling." These things keep my interest, and often enough, in the course of sticking to those simple goals, I will find connections and hooks that lead to more things to do, and people that enjoy doing those things with me.

    In a way, it's 'soldiering through', but not the 'stiff upper lip, pretend nothing is wrong' approach. It's scaling down some expectations and aiming for some baby steps to keep myself going. These are typically easier goals to meet, and when they're met, they are still worthwhile victories, even if they're small ones. Small ones count, too, and can very easily lead to good things.


  • Pitcrew

    I get this feeling all the time.

    I try to go out of my way to tell people I do enjoyed scenes and hope to play more. This doesn't exactly help me, but hopefully helps them if they're having the same feelings!



  • why are you reading my mail



  • @Cupcake

    Believe it or not, but that's me. Always. I lash out against the "unfairness" of others, mostly because I think people who are actually being jerks should well know it.

    (About half the people I consider good friends are those I've growled at before.)

    There is no easy route out of it besides self-care. Breathe. Do things for you. If people don't enjoy you then fuck 'em.

    But if I can say one thing, this is it:

    If you're not enjoying yourself, then don't keep pushing yourself.

    That way lies madness. I should know. I can talk in circles for hours about how this is a social hobby and therefore if I can't be social then I'm failing the hobby and blah blah blah. It's easy. It's not fun. It's insanity.

    --

    @Cupcake , I'm terrible at remembering people, but I've never thought of you as being one of the bad guys, can't imagine you being a poison. Those times I remember that it's you that I talked to, you've been pleasant and gentle. You're good people.



  • I am sorry if I am contributing to this feeling lately. I know that you are not blaming anyone, but I am happy that you are involved with my stuff; I am just having a tough time right now, myself, and that is including following up with people.


  • Pitcrew

    @Meg It is absolutely not you or anything related to you. You inclusive and awesome. Take time and feel better!



  • I think there's worth in questioning if the game environment you're in is really actually good for your mental health or if you're just treading on a wheel thinking that a change will come. Sometimes change does come along but often, due to sunk cost principal, FOMO, and the general idea that everyone else seems to be without struggle... we keep scratching away at something that isn't meant to be.

    Sometimes a game environment is clearly a toxic dump on fire which is easier in a way because it's a much easier sign to get out. Sometimes it's just not a match and it's no one's fault.

    It may be the case that this is your body/brain's way of saying that it needs a break from this hobby. Not forever. Not even overly long. But just for a bit until things don't feel so clouded over by an inner narrative that isn't making it fun.

    I guess I'm just a believer in not forcing things when the answer might be to dust off a different hobby for a while and take the pressure off this one.


  • Pitcrew

    Something I started doing when I am feeling like world's worst RPer with the worst ideas ever and WHY am I even doing this is this: If the game as reccs, or a similar system and you get some? Keep them. If a friend is super awesome to you. Log it. Keep the things that in that moment, remind you why you fight with the drama, internal and external.

    And then, when it sucks. Find your files of love and reread them. It feels kinda self-indulgent, to me, at first. Like I'm lounging in all the nice things but their ain't but a handful. I lost a lot in a HDD crash of '17 so it's a slow rebuild. A reviewed a few the other night and I came away feeling a lot better, esp since I still talk to those people. The reminder that you aren't total trash is good for you.

    You have friends and they seem to keep talking to you and RPing and bouncing ideas and whatever. They like you. You like them. And a disagreement or ruffled feathers won't break a bond worth keeping.

    From one anxiety sufferer to another, I wish you peace, @Cupcake.


  • Admin

    @Cupcake said in When To Stop Listening To Those Voices:

    I keep trying to remind myself that what I feel is real, but it also isn't true. I just really need to stick it until the proof of it not being true outweighs the anxiety.

    This is my take on it: When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

    If you are finding RP, especially with the same people over a reasonably long period of time, it's because they want to RP with you. If they didn't they'd avoid you, and if they had other things they preferred to do instead they'd be doing them.

    Obviously it's not as easy as telling yourself "okay, I have nothing to worry about so I'll stop worrying about it" since that's not how emotions work, but just look at what people are doing. That's the source of truth.



  • It is simple. Don't think too much about your own character. At all. Think about what the people you are going to roleplay with enjoy, and what are scenes and interactions that go towards that. If you find things you enjoy that other people enjoy, they will want to rp with you.

    If you have no idea what the people around you like and dislike, then I think you should find out.



  • This can be hard. I've had those same voices in my head tell me that my friends on Twitch actually hate me and all that, even though I know logically that is not true. The important thing to do, or at least what works for me, is to just reaffirm the fact that you are liked/loved/etc. It can be hard to shut the voice up, but with time you can succeed.



  • This hobby is notorious for having opinionated people spread opinions without actually addressing it with the person they have the opinion with. Little gaggles of people talk amongst themselves and/or anyone who will listen in private discord chats that they hope aren't logged or forwarded to the person that's being talked about.

    Ask the person if they can schedule a scene with you. If they are unwilling to or ditch said plans regularly to RP with others, chances are your character isn't where they're wanting to focus their energies or there's something else going on. Use the three strikes rule.

    You're not entirely off. There are a lot of people in the hobby who harbor long-term opinions on players, but if you can't jar an actual scene out of someone, then you don't really need to pry it out of them; people role play with people they want to RP with. Period.

    All you can really do is be nice to people and check your own behavior to ensure that you're not behaving in a way that you wouldn't want others to treat you. Understand that there are people who simply aren't upfront about not wanting to RP, any existing opinions, or are perhaps zeroed in on some other existing arc of RP that they don't want to overbook themselves.


  • Pitcrew

    @Apos said in When To Stop Listening To Those Voices:

    It is simple. Don't think too much about your own character.

    ^^^ That, that, that.



  • @Ghost said in When To Stop Listening To Those Voices:

    You're not entirely off. There are a lot of people in the hobby who harbor long-term opinions on players, but if you can't jar an actual scene out of someone, then you don't really need to pry it out of them; people role play with people they want to RP with. Period.

    Even with this said, there are folks out there who aren't going to let their personal dislikes or grudgewank get in the way of the RP experience, so you don't even necessarily have to give up on these people.

    There are folks who rub me the wrong way, or I am wary of for whatever reason. If the opportunity presents itself for me to help them -- answering a question, offering ideas if they ask people all to brainstorm stuff, finding something cool that reminded me of their character that I think they'd like to see? -- I will still do this, without hesitation, and in good faith.

    Mostly because... why not? If it helps them out in some way, cool. I don't expect it to change their opinion of me, and it may not change my opinion of them, but if it's something that helps them have more fun on the game, that fun (ideally) spreads to other people having more fun with them, and so on. Little things count. Little bits of thoughtfulness count, even if they're taken for granted or never actually recognized as being that at all, and the more we do these little things across the board, the better everyone's experience becomes after a while.


  • Pitcrew

    If I'm not being particularly responsive, it's because I've been absorbing what people have to say. It's very easy to look at what is helpfully being offered as assistance and consider it as criticism. I feel more confident that this is not the case, but the notion of it is still there and that's what I have to fight..

    Our game culture abhors attention-seekers and rightfully so. That kind of play style is selfish. I think for me a problem lays in the notion that in various ways, I am not seen at all. Pushing to be seen isn't an answer, but there has to be a way to let people know you feel invisible because you want to be part of the group, and not because you need it to be All Eyes On You. (I realize the irony of this thread, fwiw.)

    I am reconsidering my approach, the challenge will be putting it into practice, and without any kind of guidebook.



  • @Cupcake This is becoming kind of a guidebook.


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