Meanest (But Funniest) Thing You've Done in a Game

  • I'll go first.

    His name is Lazarus.

    One time, in a SuperHero tabletop game, I asked my players to list their characters' pet peeves. The list came up as follows:

    • Liberals
    • Hipsters
    • People who talk too much
    • People who listen to stupid music (metalhead player)

    So I created an on the spot character whom I accidentally named "Laz". Laz was a waiter at a pizza place the heroes went to out of costume to try to take some time off. Enter a hipster with an ironic haircut, a neck tattoo of a rose, and a finely coiffed beard, wearing a plaid shirt and a white belt with his blue jeans. His dialogue was as such:

    • "Hey, are you guys doing anything tonight? Because I'm totally into this band you probably don't know about, the Jamie Lannister Pornography Experience, they're kind of like a melange of Anthrax, old-school Lady Gaga, and Tibetan throat singing, and if you're cool you'll probably go."
    • "Hey, why are you ordering iced teas when we've got vegan ultra-local microbrews? Oh, also? You're ordering the quiche nachos, right? Anyone who's anyone gets them"

    They ended up accidentally causing him to die in a kitchen explosion.

    A few months later we started a new super hero game. They were all playing mutants at Xaviers. GUESS WHO THEY RUN INTO AT A COFFEE HOUSE?

    Only now, Lazarus is a mutant with a fringe mutant skill of +40 to coffee making, technopsychic control of all APPLE devices, and a power where he will resurrect after dying, but with no prior knowledge of 48 hours before his death.

    "Oh hey, look at you guys! Hey, have you heard of 311 versus the Volcano? They're like a country version of Metallica meets De La Soul..."


    "Oh, dude we've never met before, my name's Laz, pronounced Laaaaws but it's short for Lazarus..."


    "Dude, do you guys wanna sign up for my quinoa apple butter microbrew tasting?"


    They're now begging me to have Laz show up in every game I run for them.

  • X-Men Republicans, huh?

    Sounds like a Senator Kelly fifth column.

    Do me a favor and play the Blob for them, in the rubber costume with the shorts.

  • @chet I ran Blob against them. I had a lot of fun when they'd punch him and get their fists stuck in rolls of sweaty blubber. I played that up, seriously, because that's what Blob is great for.

  • Pitcrew

    Like...a rp game? Or any game?

  • @kanye-qwest Preferably something more closely related to RPG gaming, but whatever, if you've got a fun story share it. I created this thread for fun.

  • I spent like 12 years as Friedrich Nietzsche on M3, with all my applications as the shaming of Zarathustra in Thus Sprach Zarathustra.

    The ED article of Dr. Leo as a German confused me.

  • D&D game. The concept was an Adventurer's Guild. So we each had multiple characters and we'd take turns DMing.

    My favorite character was my Drunken Monk.
    Now, for a bit of backstory: we had a houserule that if you rolled a nat20 on attack, you rolled again. If it was another nat20, you instakilled your foe. Why? Because why not.

    Anyway. So my drunken monk was off on an adventure with his guildmates. We end up in a cave an holyshitdirecavebear. So my turn comes up:

    "You mentioned an underground lake. Does it have any of those blind cave fish in it?"
    DM: "Uh, yeah?"
    "Alright. I'm going to catch one."
    DM: "Ookay."

    So I did.

    My next turn comes up (meanwhile, the party is floundering against this thing already).

    "I attack the bear with the fish."

    Everyone's just sort of facepalm, but hey. Drunken monk. Improvised weapons. I gave no shits I only roll a d4 on damage for them. I WAS ATTACKING A BEAR WITH A FISH.

    Nat 20.
    DM: "...roll it again."

    The DM decided it was just too ridiculous not to: "...You impale the bear through the eye. With the fish."

    To this day, one of my most glorious D&D moments.

  • Pitcrew

    @auspice And that is why I love D&D.

  • @ominous Was playing an Amber Diceless game, and one of the characters was trying to tag Princess Flora, turned out they were both shapeshifters of the advanced quality. So we go to get the other PC from Flora's room and the GM describes in rough terms, the sheer hentai going on in there (without being ultra descriptive, they just said slimy tentacles. Lots of them. They start reaching through the door).

    I took a step back, and being first in strength amongst the group placed my hand on the other characters back so he can't escape when he tries to run. As he screamed when the tentacles took them I forced the door shut and held it shut until I heard nothing on the other side again.

    Meanwhile, the guy who became the center point of an inadvertent tentacle threesome is all: I don't enjoy it!

    GM compares psyche's of people in the room and then says:

    Yes, yes you do.

    ETA: The player of the character I stopped from running, used to have this /thing/ when he ran V:tM or W:tA where my characters would always end up being tied up and abused somehow to the point I stopped playing in games he was running. It was nice to 'return the favor' so to speak.

  • Pitcrew

    Tabletop one-shot, Shadowrun 3rd Edition, mercenary group, I'm GMing. They've been hired to investigate what Aztechnology is doing at the pyramids of Tikal. There are five PCs, including a sniper/demo expert who is also an expert on Aztechnology procedures.

    They sneak into the area, take out a few guards pretty quietly, then they decide that they need to get a little closer, but also have some insurance. They ask the Aztechnology expert to make them up some charges that they can set if they get close to whatever is happening. The expert quiets his glee, then agrees to do so. The group splits up, with the mage deciding to hang out with the sniper at the top of an outlying pyramid so that the sniper can protect her body while she goes Astral.

    Several minutes later, the sniper slits the mage's throat, detonates the charges, and lets Aztechnology know that the offending team will no longer be a problem. They never considered that the Aztechnology expert might still be working for Aztechnology.

    The best part of this was, I didn't have to do anything about the situation as the GM (although I likely would have if this was supposed to be a long-running campaign), and the Aztechnology spy didn't have to suggest any of these steps. The team wanted to carry his charges, and the mage wanted his protection for her body while she went Astral.

    Probably because it was a one-shot, everyone loved how things turned out... and the Stealth Troll (yes, really) even managed to scrape up a couple of successes to survive the explosive charge and crawl away into the jungle to plot his revenge.

  • @seraphim73 that is fucking awesome and ice cold. I love it.

  • Pitcrew

    @ghost It was so awesome in part because after the initial side-session talking to the Aztech plant's player, I didn't have to do anything. The team asked him to set demo charges, give the charges to the rest of them, and keep the detonators. The team asked him to hang out by the mage while she went Astral. It was just... awesome.

  • I was playing a short campaign in tabletop D&D, and we were allowed to make any race that had playable stats. So, I naturally picked a Troll. I made him a Rogue. DM gave us each one choice of starting magic item, so I asked if I could have an Oil of Slipperiness. Troll drank the Oil. It becomes permanent. Troll becomes Rico Suave.

    DM had the final laugh, though. Troll dies in hair fire.

  • I have another one, as a player.

    D&D campaign. The DM wanted it to be over-the-top power levels, gear, etc. Freedom to pick whatever races we wanted, etc. I went air genasi. Then we each got one wish. I assume because he wanted to try out his skill at fucking us over vs. ours at terming our wishes properly.

    I wished to be able to fly. And the only loophole he found in my writeup was not mentioning the ability to land again. So my character was permanently hovering at least 6" off the ground.

    Both of these things turned out to be his downfall. See, he wanted to TPK us. That was the ultimate goal. Let the party become insanely powerful... then try to TPK.

    His first failed attempt was because of an airborne poison. Air genasi don't have to breathe. So everyone else is down, out, and me... "Uh. I don't breathe. It doesn't affect me."

    Cue DM's sad puppy look as my character goes about and revives everyone.

    The next instance was a ground-based attack. "Everyone takes..."
    Me: "Uhm. I don't."
    DM: "What, why?!"
    Me: "Remember? She never touches the ground."

    Not just sad puppy look that time, but the creeping realization that he did this to himself with the wish loophole.

    So once again, everyone else is down and my character goes around to revive them.

    That party eventually got to where they'd make sure I got the best gear. My character got turned into a vampire? They made it their mission to find her gear that'd let her walk in sunlight. She wasn't even the most martially strong or anything, but she always survived, so they made doubly sure of it.

  • Pitcrew

    Old mIRC rpg. Cyberpunk/Shadowrun/Escape from L.A./just a little of everything post-apocalyptic game based in a wall-enclosed Los Angeles. Big central park area, polluted all to hell, three-legged ducks and shit.

    I had played for quite some time, roughly in the top three most powerful characters on the game. Largely not important to the story, but just an indicator for future reference. The following wasn't my act of mean, but I merely offered a few suggestions and acted as a glorified henchman for the event. This game also had something called 'bios', I think? So basically if you died, it'd shock your system and you'd pop back up with like 20hp or something - usable once per scene, basically. It's been nearly 15 years or so since the events, so they're a bit fuzzy. Anyway, practically everyone has Bios. It's just one of those things you'd get your character hooked up with pretty early on. The game functioned on 'Lives'. Basically like a video game - you got 25 lives for the duration of your character. Reach 0 lives and the character's dead, permanently.

    So my rl friend's character has a PC that he's all in twu wuv with. We'll call her Candy. They're bound to get married. Yadda, yadda, yadda. His PC discovers that she's getting a little side action going on and naturally his character is furious over this, but he keeps quiet about it. Doesn't confront her or anything like that. So he concocts a plan to get revenge. Ron was a mage or necromancer or something, a couple spells and he could really wreck someone's world or basically alpha strike them to the point of "death".

    His character asks her to marry him. Yes, yes, god yes! she replies. So they make the arrangements, they set the date for the wedding scene. Meanwhile, rl friend(we'll just call him Ron) has his character going around talking to people. My character(we'll call him Simon) being one of them, a few of my character's pals, and some of Ron's pals. Incidentally Ron and Simon enlisted a roster of roughly seven of the most powerful characters in the game for Ron's little plan.

    So the wedding begins. Outdoor wedding in the park. Three-legged ducks quacking around and stuff. The pollution smells excellent that day. Simon(again, my character) along with all of our recruited pals are in the audience, save one of them. The best shot in the game is far, far, far away. So Ron and Candy are doing their whole vow exchange thing. Ron's gradually transitions from all lovey dovey 'You're my moon and stars' expressions to 'I know what you did and that is very, very not okay'. Ron casts a couple spells, Candy drops dead in a heartbeat. Boom. Bios kick in. She leaps back to her feet all 'Raahh I AM ALIVE'! and BOOM. The sniper enlisted drops her again. This ultimately drops her to 2 remaining Lives.

    Naturally Candy's pals are immediately prepared to go on the offensive, when suddenly some of the most powerful characters in the game are on their feet and reaching for their own weapons in support of Ron. Candy's pals quickly realized that they were outmanned, outgunned, and generally going to end up dying a lot themselves if they wanted to try anything. No other deaths that day, but it was great to see the overall plan go off without a hitch.

  • Admin

    @faceless You should sue George R.R. Martin, you guys invented the original Red Wedding.

  • Pitcrew

    @arkandel Nah. Body count wasn't high enough.

  • Fuck I have so many of these stories:

    One of my favorites was a continued session in our Shadowrun game. My friend John was GMing for myself, my friend Phil and their cousin Tommy; Phil and I were playing some pretty standard characters. And Tommy was that one guy who always takes as many of the flaws as he can to get the biggest jump on characters stats that he can right out the door. One of these flaws was an extreme sense of paranoia with no trigger on his wireless reflexes. In this case we are talking about an Ork with the street name of Nemesis, a psychotic street samurai with the people skills of a wood chipper.

    Anyway. Having grown tired of Nemesis over a few sessions of half-botched runs due to him being quite dumb, Phil and I spend some of the session convincing him that Ares is going to send their elite assassins after us...and they often disguise themselves as grandmothers or old people because that is so unexpected.

    So after dicking around for awhile in which Nemesis goes out of his way to buy a few new guns and a big knife, we go down to meet with Mr. Johnson at a steakhouse in the Renraku Arcology where Nemesis proceeds to try to subtlety threaten Mr. J into giving us more money but cutting his cuticles with his new very large knife.

    Further annoyed after a nearly botched negotiation and job interview, and ready to see this character gone, I decide to see if we can get Nemesis killed. So we walk out of the steakhouse I say my character wants to hit up a small shop to check out some of the new legal decking gear that is available and I purposefully begin to scan the crowd. It is at this time, with a glance to our GM, that I mention to Preacher, the other runner, that there is an old woman with a young man walking behind us. So we start acting more alert and ready like this might be an attack incoming. And then Preacher quietly tells Nemesis about the old woman and her companion.

    It is at this point Tommy as Nemesis utters "Oh yeah? We'll see about that." and he proceeds to pull out his ork sized Ares Predator and shoots the young kid for his surprise action. Having wired reflexes he is naturally faster than grandma whom he picks up and repeatedly swings like a rag doll into a security window to see which one breaks first.

    Naturally this creates a lot of shock and awe with people screaming and running for their lives because some large ass ork is rampaging and murdering people. In the end, Nemesis was gunned down by about 15 Renraku SecGuards in a pitiless attempt to go out in a blaze of glory once he got surrounded, with neither of us getting a second look as we bailed as soon as there was enough panicked people to blend in and get away.

    Another Shadowrun game, same people, same GM. Reprising my own character and Phil on Preacher, Tommy has decided to make Toughness...a Troll Mercenary with a take no prisoners attitude who would threaten everyone he disliked with anal fist disemboweling.

    The job was supposed to be very simple. Sneak into a small Fuchi subsidiary and steal some paydata and a prototype. Since Toughness was a huge hulking troll that walked around in light security armor, we decided that his job was to sit in in his armored van outside and provide us with overwatch and if necessary a distraction - if we set off an alarm.

    The infiltration was easy enough and while we got into a few mild scuffles inside the job was relatively silent and body count free. We had just gotten into the labs and I was getting the data while Preacher recovered the prototype. Things were smooth. It was at this time that the GM informed Toughness that a large UPS truck had arrived out in front of the subsidiary building blocking his view.

    Instead of doing something reasonable, like moving the van to a different spot. Toughness instead gets out of his van and gets out the belt-fed Panther Rotary-Assault Cannon, that only the GM knew he had, from the hidden compartment. It is at this time he proceeds to shell the UPS truck. The front of the building. And any pedestrians unlucky enough to be on the sidewalks.

    He spent 5 rounds burst fire shelling the landscape and then he got in his van and drove off. Naturally, Preacher and my character barely escaped with the goods. So to lay low Toughness retreated to his low lifestyle hideaway thinking he could go unseen until the matter blew over and he could get his cut. He did not count on us selling him out to Lonestar for a hefty bounty. Toughness died to a mage dumping a world of hurt into him from astral space.

  • Pitcrew

    @jaded Sounds like Tommy thought he was playing Pink Mohawk style, and the rest of you were more interested in something closer to Black Mirrorshades.

  • I have another one. Again, from player perspective, because I apparently am great at ruining the best laid plans.

    My first ever RL TT was Everway (which I still have a fondness for and wish the tarot deck in my own copy was complete). When I made my character, I'd been in the middle of the Riftwar (Raymond E Feist) books. I decided I wanted a 'bag of holding'-ish like Nakor had. The ST allowed it because wtfever, right?

    Well, I collected everything. And I kept a running list of it. One of the things I collected was vials of sakura petals left behind by a goddess who would show up from time to time (usually to send us on quests).

    The first time I did this, I got a 'wtf why' face from the ST. He had no idea why I would even care to do so, but he allowed it. On the list it went.

    Fast forward months. We met every week and about eight months down the line, we're finishing up a quest line through Hell. We reach the exit portal when a massive demon gets in our way.

    I'm up first in initiative.

    I look over my list of "stuff in the sack" and there it is. This stack of vials of pure deific essence.

    I throw them all at the demon.

    The ST's eyes go wide as the implications sink in.
    The demon was not killed, but it was hurt/stalled long enough for us all to get through the portal without having to fight.

    He was a bit more... careful about what he let me collect after that.

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